|
1. |
|
|
|
|
I'm getting sick of writing vile songs.
How can such music honor my Lord?
My life is a expanding blessing.
Day after day, I have new reasons to praise of your love.
Already countless to me, my blessings grow constantly.
You are my King.
You are my Lord.
You are my best friend.
Jesus Christ, I thank you for choosing me.
Not because I deserve it, but because your grace and mercy is more than I can ever comprehend.
In all this, I am failing.
Everyday I get angry at trival things.
Everyday your father seep into my bed of nerves.
They are different than I, as I them.
And that's how you made us.
And that's how we work together as the hands and feet of Jesus.
|
|
2. |
|
|
|
|
Gracious King, I thank you for my role in life.
I thank you for the times of extreme busyness, and the rest that follows.
I would be lying if my heart was in a perfect posture while writing this, but I can take solice in the fact my salvation is not performance based.
And thank God for that!
I am a dirty, rotten, degenerate sinner.
Selfishness and hatred corrupt my heart.
It doesn't take much for me to hate.
Yes, I am called to hate the sin, but, Lord, you see how quick I am to hate the soul within.
This feeling of hate is not Christ-like, and for that I apologize.
Only your awesome Spirit can cleanse me, and make me anew.
And I pray for that today, Jesus.
Make me new.
|
|
3. |
|
|
|
|
Avoiding people like the plague is starting to become the norm for me.
Not so much everyone, just ones who call Jesus Christ their Lord.
Why can I not get out of my own way in this?
Whenever I am in your house, oh Lord, I feel most out of place.
I'm sure my mind exaggerates these feelings, and that is the work of the most heinous one of them all.
While I do take my share of the blame for allowing me to wallow in these feelings, I come to you, Lord, and ask for help to love my brother.
I cannot do this on my own.
I am weak, but you are strong.
In my weakness, I cry out.
I cry out to the only one who can cleanse me from myself.
Jesus Christ, king of all, whether they know it or not.
Yet.
|
|
4. |
|
|
|
|
Every season brings reasons to praise the one who created the Heaven's and the Earth.
As day after day of restlessness are the norm, I find solice in the one who gave it all.
All being his time, energy, love, and, most importantly, his life, to not only give me a second chance, but everyone who calls onto his name.
Jesus, forgive me for the anger I feel.
Forgive me for mocking my fellow believers because they see things differently then I.
Forgive me for my feelings of resentment for how they praise and honor you the way you desire it so.
It may not be my way, but how hypocritical of me to bash them for praising the way King David did.
It may not be natural to me, but I know how I feel when they scorn me for praising you the best way I know how.
In this noisy mess a half percent of the population would consider music.
We are all different.
But none is better than the other.
Thank you for making us all unique to serve you in our own ways.
|
|
5. |
|
|
|
|
I freakin hate happy music.
What do you want me to write about?
Look at this world.
Do any of you people even pay attention to what is happening?
Do any of you even care?
Nevermind Putin. We have fascism forming like it was brewed in Nazi Germany.
And I'm not talking about Trumpism.
Pay attention to the evil in the white house today.
Pay attention to the corrupt Prime Minister in sweet ol' Canada.
Wanna loot the streets to honor some criminal who died because of a drug overdose induced heart attack?
God forbid you stand up for your right to not be injected with a experimental vaccine.
The worst part is, we're letting the western frontier crumble in front of us.
Why? We need to perfect a dance routine on Tik Tok.
I hate this world. I hate how stupid we are.
I hate everything I see.
But, is this not biblical?
Jesus, you'll be here soon.
Let these ignorant fools see the evil.
And please forgive me for the anger I have inside me as I write this.
And let me tell you, if you're fine with how this world is.
If you're living in this world, then you're part of the freakin problem.
|
|
6. |
|
|
|
|
These thoughts are starting to become more and more frequent.
No matter how much I pray for them to go away, they get worse and worse.
I'm becoming anger at the one who gave me life.
I cry out to you for help, I cry out to you for rest, and it almost seems like you don't care.
I'm so freakin sick and tired of hearing how Jesus wants me to be free and happy.
So why do you keep giving me so much freakin work?
Am I missing something here?
Am I really this dull?
What am I missing?
What am I thinking?
Why is this still happening every freakin day?
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I am not the servant I thought I was.
|
|
7. |
|
|
|
|
I'm really starting to question what is happening in my life, Lord.
It almost seems to me you're mocking me.
It almost seems like you enjoy seeing me miserable.
I know none of that is true, but why don't you let me ever have rest? Ever?
Or maybe, I should just stop being a selfish, secular jerk.
You do give me rest. Plenty of it.
I have time to write this song, don't I?
I'm relaxing on my couch at 10 A.M. on my day off writing a song.
What do you mean I don't have time to rest?
Just because I'm not home everyday, playing video games at 5 doesn't mean I don't have time to relax.
How many people were saved by me sitting down, alone, playing video games for 5 hours a day?
I'll answer that. Zero.
Jesus, I am not like you.
I can never be like you.
The work you've done. The work you do.
I pretend the weight of the world is on my shoulders, when it was, literally, on yours.
You're not asking me to be a savior.
You're just asking me to be a servant.
Remind me, and empower me on this quest.
Because I sure as heck can't do this on my own.
|
|
8. |
|
|
|
|
It's absolutely incredible to me how gentle you are.
I deserve to be in Hell as I write this.
After just crying out to you in selfish despair, you comforted me when I was just longing to hear your voice.
I don't deserve to ever hear "I love you"
Let alone from the one who I openly sin against daily.
Lord, my God, why do you put up with me?
When will I learn of your ways?
Everyday, for what feels like 6 months, I've been angry with you.
Angry for not getting my ways.
Angry for what it seems to me is not best for me.
My mind cannot fathom what tomorrow brings.
But, if I'm being honest, I'm scared it entails more work I am too tired to complete.
That's my problem, I keep thinking I'm going at this alone.
Lord, as you say, you promise to be the oxen carrying the load.
Why do I keep envisioning myself as being alone in this?
Would you give me this work for nothing?
Would you give me this work to draw me to be angry with you?
Or, would you give me this work to show me more of what you can do?
To glorify your name through me?
I know the answer to this already.
Jesus, please, through all of this, let me be more like you through this process.
Your gentleness. Your patience. Your love.
I want it all.
I want to give it to the world around me.
I am not close to where I need to be.
But, Jesus, by your spirit, let me grow.
|
|
9. |
|
|
|
|
How great is your faithfulness?
Even when I fail, even when I fall
You're always there to point back on track.
You keep my ways straight.
You keep my path narrow.
Even when I feel like I am running in circles or even backwards, you're always in control.
Jesus Christ. King of the universe, give me the guidance I seek.
Grant me wisdom in this season, as I am searching for what I believe to be mine.
Many errors and much folley have stunted me in this department.
I led myself into what I knew was wrong, I ignored your stop signs, because of my thick-headed ways.
I do not want this sin anymore.
Even if I again am wrong about what I believe to be, Jesus, in your ways, in your timing, reveal to me the plan of which I desire so.
If I am wrong, please, tell me before it is too late and I, again, make another horrible decision.
My God. Oh, my God.
There is none like you.
Even if this fails, you'll be there.
What more could I ever need?
|
|
10. |
|
|
|
|
As I sit home in my house, away from the world in solitude, I again am plagued with thoughts of guilt.
Jesus, does the scriptures not say without reason man is to enjoy all things?
Why do I feel guilty when you finally brought me out of the season I despised?
I cried out to you, night and day, thought out loud, and in my head.
I begged for rest.
I begged for a break.
Jesus, three days of ease, and I'm back to feeling guilty.
Am I a workaholic?
Or, am I designed different?
Jesus, we are all uniquely created to serve your kingdom in our ways.
And I cannot thank you enough for that!
The mind and energy of a child.
Please, keep me child like, forever, Abba God.
Those with a heart of a child will live forever.
Thank you for this season of rest.
For ever how long it will last.
But, you know me better then I know myself.
You know what I can and cannot handle.
Jesus, when the time is right, please, send me back out into the world, like a sheep among wolves, knowing my father, the Good Shepard, Jesus Christ himself, will protect me.
Do not let my life be a waste.
Don't let me waste my life!
I am ready to do your work, Lord.
I am your servant.
Forever and always.
I love You.
|
released February 18, 2024
